News

he Fortnightly news is back once again! In up-keeping our age old tradition of putting out an issue once every six months, we present you with the latest news and happenings of the past fortnight in a concise digest.

November 16

Macrohard wins award

Multinational company Macrohard receives an award for the best shop floor practices in following the Japanese philosophy of the 5S, namely Stupidity, Soporificity, Serendipity, Somnambulism, and Psoriasis. (The last one doesn't start with S, but that's OK. How many of the three Rs of Education actually start with R anyway?)

November 20

Stock Markets Crash

Stock Markets around the world crashed because all of them ran Cascading Style Sheets with the parameter background-repeat: "no-repeat", reminiscent of the Y2K fiasco. Of course this had nothing to with the stock markets actually crashing, but this served as an appropriate scape goat. The crash was extensively covered on all news channels, which actually helped the stock markets recover as everyone lapped up the now cheap stock prices. The real reason for the crash was suspected to be the Tamil Nadu Agricultural board's light green text on a dark green background, but such evidence is only circumstantial, and was dismissed by news channels in favour of yet another wardrobe malfunction of some skinny anorexic super-model.

November 23

Riots in Engineering Colleges.

Riots broke out in Engineering colleges with students demanding that French be introduced as a compulsory subject after reading one Mr. Ali Bahrami expound on how one should speak English for business, German for Engineering, Persian for poetry, and French for seduction. Of course, why they didn't ask for German is anyone's guess. A small faction also demanded that Seduction be included in the 5S philosophy, but no one listened to a demand as outrageous as that. The rioters indulged in the usual disobedient activities of turning up in Jeans pants and fasting between break-fast and lunch.

November 27

Eminent academicians arrested

Eminent academicians Butterworth, Chebychev, and a few others were arrested on charges of conducting an orgy on the streets of the Vatican. Butterworth had this to say to our reporters as he was bundled into the police-car, "The input to the Radix-2 Decimation In Time Fast-Fourier Transform is an 8-Point sequence in Bit-Reversed Order". This was when the charges were amended to "Drunken Orgy".

November 30

Mozart Remembered

Yesteryear's musician of note, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was honoured by displaying one of his most famous sayings in hoardings and billboards worldwide at the stroke of midnight: Hear ye, hear ye, ze fundamental key to masthery over ze grand piano zis thu remember zat ze keys C# and D^b are ze zame. Rumours abound that he might have had a hand in the drunken orgy of two days before.

December 4

History reveals itself at last

A surprising new insight into the life of the great Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was gained when archaeologists unearthed his personal diary. An extract:

It is raining outside. Having nothing to do, I invented an ingenious new technique of hiding important secret romantic messages to Cleopatra from the prying eyes of my courtiers. It involves writing down the letters horizontally first. Then all you have to do is to write them back vertically, thereby making it impossible to decipher!

This is an extract from Brutus' diary:

Its raining outside. That eternal fool Caesar thinks he can fool me by writing his letters to Cleopatra vertically rather than horizontally.

A few days later:

Its raining outside. Today, when I went and showed Caesar that I'd managed to decipher all of his messages to that female, all he could manage was a pseudo-grandiloquent "Et tu Brute" before clutching his heart and dying.

A few days later:

Its raining outside. Damn it. That Cleopatra bitch turned out to be a lame-fuck after all!

Thank you for turning into this edition of the fortnightly news. Stay tuned till the next edition. Bye, and take care.